Disciplining a young child can be one of the most challenging jobs in the world. Whether you are a strict parent or a lenient one, you will have to learn the tricks of the trade to groom your children into responsible, independent and receptive individuals. Please note that these tips are most useful with kids under 10 years of age. However, some of these can be used with older kids too.
Here are some ways to go about it –
- Positive reinforcement – It means rewarding your child whenever she does a desirable behaviour to increase that behaviour. Avoid material incentives as far as possible. Clapping for the child, praising her, or saying that you are proud of her are the most recommended rewards. However, occasionally, a little toy or a trip to the play area also help in keeping the young kids driven. Please remember that rewards should be proportionate to the behaviour displayed. Over-rewarding or under-rewarding does not help in the longer run. Moreover, making false promises and not keeping your end of the bargain only makes the child lose trust in the parent. A simple example of positive reinforcement would be to give your child a dessert (reward) after she finishes her veggies (desirable behaviour).
With older children and for more elaborate behaviours, one can use a step by step approach for rewards. For example, an 8 year old who keeps the room untidy can be dealt with in the following manner. Approach the child with a star system. Tell her that if she cleans her room on a particular day, she gets a star which is hung up on the wall/punched on the board. When she gets 7 such stars (1 star everyday for cleaning the room), she gets a reward of her choice at the end of the week. This step by step approach helps the young kids remain motivated and engaged.
- Negative reinforcement – In negative reinforcement, a desirable behaviour is strengthened by stopping or removing an uncomfortable or unpleasant stimulus. For example, a child cleans up her room (desirable behaviour) to avoid nagging or complaining (unpleasant stimulus) from the parents. It is NOT punishment, as punishment leads to reduction of an undesirable behaviour whereas negative reinforcement is targeted at increasing a desirable behaviour.
The fundamental rules for implementing the positive and negative reinforcements are –
- Use the reinforcers immediately after the behaviour so that the child understands what exactly led to the reward.
- Do it persistently; do not leave any behaviour unacknowledged.
- Be consistent. Show similar reactions to similar situations every time. Overemphasising or underemphasising can confuse the child.
- Reinforcers must be proportional to the behaviours. A big reward for an incredibly positive behaviour and a small reward for a relatively lesser important behaviour. This gives a fair idea of relative importance to children.
- Explain to the child in detail, in age appropriate language what is happening and how is she expected to behave to give clarity and avoid confusion.
- All members of the family should follow the same principles so that there is no leeway for the child.
- Give as much autonomy as possible. Kids learn better when they feel they are in-charge. Be respectful and kind in your behaviour. They pick up behaviours from the parents the most!
- Time out – If the child is too unmanageable and beyond the reinforcements, one can try time out strategy. When out of control, just pick up the child and place her in a quite room for 1 min till she is calm and back to senses. Explain clearly why she has been put away from all the stimuli and what is expected out of her to get her back to her previous place. One should keep the voice firm and yet polite. Do not shout, do not hit the child. Just be firm and clear as to what behaviour is desirable and what is undesirable.
- Limit setting – Every activity has to be within limits. Excess of everything is bad. State clearly how much screen time, how much playtime and how much fun time is desirable. Parents can negotiate the terms somewhat, and the child can be given options to choose from. But, it is worthwhile to inculcate the idea of moderation for all the activities and behaviours.
- Be consistent and persistent – As mentioned earlier also, consistency and persistency are the keys to change undesirable behaviours. Things won’t change overnight! So, maintain your calm, trust the process and keep going.
- Promote independence – Autonomy can enhance confidence and zeal in little children. Let them decide amongst the options. Let them do it their way first before correcting them. Let them explore and navigate through the process. Give them a chance to ask for your help before giving in the temptation of helping them.
- Build self confidence – Too much nagging or overinvolvement may lead to an underconfident dependent child once she grows up. Respecting the child, asking for what they want, taking their opinions before implementing a plan, giving them autonomy wherever possible, lead to happy confident independent children.
- Tantrums don’t last long – Don’t lose your calm during a child’s tantrum. Despite being the most well behaved, your child may throw a little tantrum here and there. It is not possible to curb 100 percent undesirable behaviour. Just ignore it and move on. The problem occurs when parents pay too much attention and fear being judged as bad parents during their child’s tantrums. Ignoring and not giving in are the best ways to deal with them.
- Be polite and clear – Give simple short instructions to your child. Be firm, yet polite. Threatening, intimidating, and pressurising them mostly backfires when the children grow up. If you think your child is not receptive, let it go. Initiate the conversation again when the child is more stable and receptive.
- Rules are for everyone – Try to model the same behaviour which you expect your child to follow. Children may not listen to their elders, but they never fail to imitate them. So, if there are rules in the house, these are for everyone!
Parenting is one of the most difficult jobs, and yet one of the most rewarding too. There is always a doubt of whether what you are doing is enough or not, and also, whether it is correct or not! Just have a leap of faith, keep trying constantly and don’t ever give up! Share the parenting burden and discuss with your spouse. Take short breaks to rejuvenate yourself. And just in case, it is till not manageable, see an expert and seek help 😊
Wishing you the best of mental health today and always!
Dr Apala
Special credits for proof reading the article –
Dr Om Sai Ramesh V
Child and Adolescent Psychiatrist
Department of Psychiatry
Lady Hardinge Medical College and Associated Hospitals
New Delhi