Quite a simple and straightforward question, isn’t it? The obsessive need of human beings to complicate things apparently endorses a convoluted tricky answer to this question. Much to our astonishment, the answer is quite as simple and straightforward as the question itself!
Yes, the longest study ever done in the history of human race, spanning over more than 8 decades, has revealed the secret of happiness! When the world was struggling with the outcomes of The Great Depression in 1938, Psychology Department of Harvard University at Massachusetts, recruited its 268 sophomores, all males, to find out what makes people happy. Later, they brought in, 1300 immediate descendants of the index cases and the in-city locales to increase the sample size and improve the validity of their study. Expectantly, only 19 individuals of the original 268 are still alive. Interestingly, the sample population ranged from much celebrated President John F Kennedy and Washington Post Editor Ben Bradlee to successful doctor, lawyers, scientists to alcohol and marijuana addicts to patients of Schizophrenia.
So, any guesses on what the answer is?
No, it is NOT money, NOT even fame, social class or high IQ!
The secret of happiness was found to be Secure Dependable Relationships. Close relationships which people could rely upon, not only predicted a happier life, but also a healthier and a longer one. People’s satisfaction with their relationships at the age 50, was a better predictor of their physical health at the age 80, than their cholesterol level. Marital contentment was found to be protective for mental health, whereas unhappy marriages led to more emotional and physical pain. Recluses died earlier, the ones who kept warm relationships lived longer and happier. Loneliness proved to be a killer as powerful as smoking and alcohol. Memory was found to be better in women who had secure attachments with their spouses. Surprisingly, role of genetics proved less important to life’s longevity as compared to quality of relationships. Just imagine, relationships can defy what genes beget you! The study also discredited the idea that an individual’s personality fixes permanently by the age 30 and cannot be changed. Where there is a will, there is a way!
So, the message is loud and clear. It is never too late to invest in relationships. Build warm, secure, dependable relationships so that you can live happily ever after. When patients come to see me in my clinic, they feel miserable when asked to name three secure attachments in their lives. Most of them are not able to name three, some of them not even one. It may not be that they do not really have close people around them. The black hole of depression and anxiety is such, that it may colour their perception or even falsify their bonding in their close relationships at that cross-sectional time. A remote possibility could be that they really do not have the true close associations in their lives. Whatever be the case, it is an obvious message for everyone to get up and grab the people they love, put in their best efforts to create an ecosystem so that they are cared for and looked after well.
The pandemic is truly the time to reflect on the relationships we have, the cross-roads where we met and left people who genuinely cared for us and the times, we did not push ourselves harder to get noticed by the ones we wanted to get closely associated with! As a corollary, we should not hesitate to move away from the relationships which are toxic, taxing and tormenting even if it is a blood relation. Maintaining distance and helping in the times of need, is a much better coping style, as compared to constantly putting up with the toxicity and refusing to help due to piled up hatred, in a family bond where we are inherently hardwired to seek and support.
Find out time, focus and the intent to work on your relationships NOW! Please remember, there should be at least three people in this world, you can go to anytime to vent out your deepest insecurities and fears. If the count is less than that, there is a long way to go.
Concludingly, surround yourself with the people who sincerely are there for you, who love you to the last speck of the universe because the secret of a happy and healthy life is none other than the meaningful relationships we end up with!
Wishing you the best of mental health today and always!
Dr Apala
Resources :
Robert Waldinger: What makes a good life? Lessons from the longest study on happiness | TED Talk
What makes a good life? Lessons from the longest study on happiness | Robert Waldinger – YouTube
Well articulated…
There are so many angles to happiness.
In Denmark n Norway, they call it ‘hygge’, a word which has no corresponding translation in any other language. Happiness Research Institute of Copenhagen had studied its impact on the society. Every time these countries win hands down to remain on top of the world in happiness chart. You know the reason? It is Hygge . It encompasses spontaneous social flow, cosy, safe, nice and convivial atmosphere. And much more. Like lighting candles together and sitting together and talking.
You can hygge your life to bring happiness, comfort and nice feeling of togetherness. Spend quality time with friends and relatives. Maintain work life balance…..,,I can go on n on
Wow! This sounds great! Thank you for sharing it.
Amazed to know how the answer to something as simple as “do you have three people you can confide in?” tells you about your mental well being.