All About Grief

“Grief is really just love. It is all the love you want to give but cannot. Grief is just love with no place to go.”

Grief is an intense emotional and physical reaction due to death of a loved one. It is a normal psychological response and there is nothing pathological about it. In fact, absence of grief, in some cultures, is considered abnormal. Grief can present in many forms such as longingness or yearning for the deceased, disbelief or anger at the loss, confusion, and of course sadness. On some occasions, an individual, may hear the voice or even have vivid glances of the deceased.  Grief usually lasts for 6 to 12 months after which it resolves on its own. Generally, the grieving process takes place in the following stages. It is, however, seen that some individuals may not go through all the stages in the same order or may even skip some of the stages during their grieving journey.

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargain
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

Importantly, if the loss is sudden, unexpected, and traumatic, grief may transform into complicated grief reaction or even into a mental illness. It is then, that we need an immediate intervention from a psychiatrist. The affected person may land up in a depressive episode or may manifest an anxiety disorder. It may also show up as Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Additionally, some survivors may mask their grief by indulging in heavy intake of alcohol, smoking, sleeping pills or caffeine. Excessive use of other psychoactive substances such as marijuana, heroin, or cocaine is also seen. Furthermore, certain long-lasting effects such as lifelong guilt, blaming other family members, neglect of loved ones and poor self-esteem have been observed in some of the grimly stricken individuals. It is prudent to get a detailed assessment and addressal of the underpinnings of the morbid emotional reaction.

Interestingly, grief is as unique as our fingerprints, and yet has some common denominations for everyone who is going through it. Loss is a loss, but the distinctiveness and exclusivity of that relationship makes it unbearable for the individual, who is going through the agony, to fill the void created by the loss. There are some healthy practices by which the angst and the anguish can be made more manageable.

Talking about the loss is one of the best ways to find meaning and acceptance in the longer run. Expressing exactly how one feels and sharing the memories and the experiences are other ways to deal with grief. At the same time, supressing or escaping the emotions related to the loss, is an unhealthy way to manage the agony. Moreover, there cannot be a comparison or a competition between members of a family grieving for the same loss. Even between siblings, who are grieving the loss of the same parent, comparisons are unjust. Despite being brought up under the same roof by the same set of parents, each sibling is unique with different coping mechanisms and variable emotional set. It just doesn’t seem right to compare or compete as to who will accept the loss earlier or later.

Additionally, channelising the emotions in a constructive creative manner such as writing a poem, drafting a story, creating a painting or a sketch etc is another effective approach to make the process healthy. Furthermore, helping other people who have lost their loved ones, or who are fighting their battle for life, does make the journey smoother and adaptable. People, who feel remarkably guilty and helpless at the loss, can practise empty chair therapy to get rid of the morbid emotions.

Lastly, Bibliotherapy (A clinical technique to help patients, gain more insight into their emotions and behaviours, and correct them by reading relevant books) can be extremely helpful to tide over the imminent sadness. Elizabeth Kubler Ross and David Kessler are the highest authorities to have worked in the field of Grief. Former more on death and dying, latter on grief and bereavement. David Kessler’s “Finding Meaning” is an excellent book on managing grief and finding meaning to the loss. Please visit his website Grief.com for extensive details and resources on the topic.  

Concludingly, grief is the journey from having tears in your eyes thinking about the loss to having a smile on your face thinking that the relationship at least happened before it ceased. They say the best cure for grief is to grieve! Having said that, it is also true that anyone can master the skill of grieving except the one who is into it. The most beautiful reassurance even after the loved one has left us is that the relationship still exists.

Wishing you the best of mental health today and always!

Dr Apala