Being Assertive: What it really means

Assertiveness is a communication skill to create better understanding, lesser confusion, and more confidence in people around us, including ourselves. It not only proactively avoids conflicts, but also resolves the same in a much cordial manner if, at all, it happens. Assertiveness runs on a spectrum from:

Passiveness —— Assertiveness —–Aggression  

Being passive means, not able to communicate one’s needs and wants effectively. It also means not being able to set boundaries for oneself and others leading to constant tension in relationships, which stem from unrealistic expectations from others and oneself. On the other end of the spectrum is aggression which means forcing or pushing our opinions on to others without realizing their needs and circumstances. Both are unhealthy forms of communication leading to relationship stress and poor outcomes in all types of relationships. 

Sometimes, both passiveness and aggression are signs of mental illness or psychological disturbances, which in most cases, can be managed with effective treatment. A thorough assessment followed by combined treatment with medication and assertiveness training is the best way to go about it.

How to be assertive?

1. Figure out in your mind what are your wants, needs, expectations from yourself and others.
2. Write them down on a piece of paper.
3. Be confident that you are worthy of what you want, and you deserve it.
4. Practise articulating them in front of a mirror or while alone to gain confidence.
5. Communicate it in right words, in polite and yet firm tone to people when required. Please note that the effectiveness of assertion comes when it is used at the right time, in the right words with the right people.
6. Take responsibility of what comes along with being assertive.
7. Don’t hesitate in saying NO and accepting NO from others.
8. Listen to other people attentively.
9. Pay attention to nonverbal cues of communication such as head tilt, eye contact, body posture, facial expressions.
10. Offer solutions to the roadblocks while you are communicating.
11. Aim to bring a win-win outcome for all stakeholders.
12. Be empathetic, tolerant, and non-judgemental in your communication.

Interestingly, it is natural to feel a little off guard about oneself while one is learning to be more assertive. It is, in fact, normal to feel unsure whether one’s needs are valid or not. Additionally, it is just fine to feel scared about finding the right words, or losing the relationship, or worrying about being bossy. While some fear how they are being perceived by other people, others start experiencing real changes in their relationships. One must understand that these are temporary fluctuations which will eventually reset the boundaries between you and your loved ones, of course for a better two-way communication in the longer run.

Importantly, while practicing assertion, please be aware that we don’t have to feel guilty about our assertiveness. Assertiveness aims to bring respect, integrity, and congeniality between people. So, remember,

1. You can disagree with people without losing your calm and respect for them.
2. You can say NO without feeling guilty about the same.
3. You can be yourself with confidence and authenticity.
4. You can speak up when you see things going off track and clearly communicate your expectations about the same in a calm respectful manner.

Let us now understand some examples of assertiveness techniques and how these work.

Example 1 – When interrupted, one can say – “Excuse me, I would like to finish what I was saying.” This statement is a basic expression of standing up for one’s personal rights, beliefs, feelings, and opinions.

When this basic assertiveness technique doesn’t work, one can escalate the assertion by reiterating – “I know what you have to say is important, but I really want to finish what I was saying.” OR “I really want to finish before you begin to speak.” These statements can be used with a firm non-aggressive tone to reinforce one’s rights and feelings.

Example 2 – When making someone wait, one can say – “I know you are upset while you wait for a response, the best I can do is to give you an estimate of how long it may take.” This statement is an empathic recognition of other person’s feelings while standing up for oneself.

Example 3 –   When confronting someone, one can say – “This task was to be finished last week and you agreed to it. Now it is already one full week past your deadline, and you are telling me you forgot it, but you still expect to complete your work in time. What do you think I should do now?” This statement is an assertive confrontation describing what was to be done, what actually happened and asking what can be done now. This technique works because the speaker holds the belief that the other person intends to finish his work in time.

Example 4 – For expressing positive feedback about yourself or someone else, one can say – “I am glad you came back to help me.” “I did a good job in my test.” Such statements reward the positive behaviour and enhance self-esteem.

Example 5 – While repeating what one had already mentioned in the past, one can say – “You said you would finish this task, and there are still missing parts to it. We have to have this task completed.” This statement is a simple non-aggressive repetition of an already made statement in the past. A very basic rote repetition, saying what you want over and over again calmly.

Example 6 – When disagreeing with someone, one can say – “I know these rules may seem to make no sense to you, but they are the protocols I must follow.” This statement is an empathic acknowledgement of possibility of truth in what the other person is saying, while you agree in concept but not necessarily in fact.

Example 7 – When one wants a change in a person’s behaviour, one can say – “When you talk loudly, I am unable to focus on my work and that makes me annoyed. Therefore, I would like you to stop talking loudly and tell me calmly what you want.” OR “When you do not respond to me, I believe either you did not hear me or you did not feel it was important enough for you, and that makes me upset. Therefore, I would like you to start responding to my questions please.” This assertive technique requires description of undesired behaviour, how it affects you, how you feel about it and what is the desired behaviour. Please note that multiple calm rote repetition (example 5) would be needed for this technique to work because it takes some time to change an undesired behaviour.

Concludingly, assertiveness, to be effective, needs three key elements. One must be confident, clear and in control to put the message across. If we are confident about what we are saying, the other person is likely to feel confident about it too. The information should be crystal clear and tidily precise for the other person to understand. And lastly, we need to be calm and in total control of ourselves for the other person to grasp it seriously and effectively.

Wishing you the best of mental health today and always!

Dr Apala