Diary of a psychiatrist

Yes, I am a psychiatrist and it is a tough work! No doubt it is a highly satisfying job, yet it is one of the most challenging jobs to be dealing with other people’s cognitions, emotions, and behaviours, especially the morbid ones.

No, I don’t read minds. Frankly, I just interpret behaviour, listen to the unspoken between the spoken and empathise to understand what other people are feeling. And I don’t do it with my family and loved ones, at least not deliberately!

It sometimes gets on to you when you are constantly trying to CONTAIN the situation by controlling the damage, especially when you deal with people who are not able to gauge their own problems at many levels. Besides, the hardest part of the job is – once a patient can never be a friend and once a friend can never be a patient. And though this professional ethic is easy to speak out, yet remarkably difficult to follow. That is because you want to keep it fully professional and non-judgemental. That is also the reason why it is so hard to treat your own family members and loved ones. You just don’t have the objectivity when it is a loved one at stake. Too much empathy happens, their illness makes you nervous and somehow, there is a pressure to meet their emotional needs and all that makes you lose your clinical acumen! Realisation of this fact is also heart-breaking as you end up feeling useless when it is a family member needing treatment. What good are you doing if you are treating the entire world with applause and can’t treat your own folks?

What can make things worse is too much self-awareness. As one learns human behaviour and human reactions more deeply, one starts becoming too aware of one’s own emotions and reactions. And that can be traumatizing sometimes, though it is extremely helpful in the longer run.  Moreover, realising that medical science, even today, does not have answers to all the questions all the time, and to live up to that and still believe in the miracles of medical treatment can be confusing and contradicting to the psyche. Needless to say, errors, shortcomings and inadequacies are seen in all professions and yet, most difficult to explain when it comes to mental health, of course for obvious reasons!

Another intimidating process is keeping people’s darkest secrets within self. It is not the breach of confidentiality that is bothersome; of course, one masters that trick quite early in one’s career. That is what makes you seasoned after all.  The most bothering thing about keeping the dreariest secrets is that you need to have a lot of mental strength and mental hygiene so that these personal tell-tales don’t leave you vulnerable. Vulnerable to what???? Well, I don’t know for sure but it does leave you overwhelmed for some period of time.

No matter how seasoned a psychiatrist is or how thick skinned he has become over years, he remains a human being with his own flaws and weaknesses. Well, then who really asked you to become a psychiatrist? Knowing that this profession comes with its own baggage is different and comprehending the same is different and feeling the same is yet vastly different. And even when one comprehends it whole heartedly, the process is not anywhere easy, though it is enormously beneficial both professionally and personally. It takes time to nurture these positive thoughts in oneself and when one does, it really becomes satisfying to be able to control whatever damage at whatever time at whatever level!

Having said all this, the contentment that one derives when one is able to make a difference in someone’s life is priceless! You truly feel accomplished when a broken soul picks it up and starts to get back to its unbroken self. When that lawyer battling anxiety wins a lawsuit, it is utterly amazing! When that student fighting depression cancels the suicidal ideas and cracks his civil exams, it is truly glorious! When that financial consultant quits alcohol, maintains the abstinence and gets back to his family, it is greatly satisfying! When that middle-aged patient with Schizophrenia composes a new soundtrack and makes you listen to it, you are totally awestruck with its synchrony and rhythm!

Though the role of psychiatrist in treating the patient is limited to guiding the right way; of course the patient fights it himself; but his recovery indeed leaves you content and humbled. And that pretty much is beyond everything else!

Wishing you the best of mental health today and always!

Dr Apala